Death by Singing
by Sturnidae
Summary: Alfred likes braiding hair. Let's talk about that. (Crack fic)
**This should take you like 2 minutes to read.**

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"Watcha doin?"

There are popsicle sticks on the floor of Ivan's living room floor, scattered out like fall leaves. Alfred stretches in the doorway, having to be awoken from a nice afternoon nap(due to his late alarm clock), and is now shuffling into the room, watching his lover add a super-glued popsicle stick to the tower he is building. His lover looks up from his creation, and gives a slight loving smile.

"Hello sunflower." He greets, and glances at his project. "And this? It's a popsicle stick tower I am building. I am not done, but it will soon be a castle."

"For school?" Alfred makes his way across the sunset themed living room.

"Yes. For history class. I am making my very own Russian inspired castle."

"Nice." He says tiredly.

"Very."

"Hmm." Alfred hums, and plops himself down next to Ivan. He's southeast of Ivan's actual body, and as he watches his boyfriend's hair bounce around while he's working, the American decides he needs to fix it, and puts his fingers on the platinum hair. "Well, time to braid!"

Ivan gives off some sort of startled and confused sound as Alfred begins to take a bit of his hair in his hands. The Russian turns slightly to question his lover's antics, but stops instantly when Alfred complains, "Hey! I'm working here!"

Sighing amusingly, Ivan picks up a popsicle stick, and applies some glue to it, making sure to not move so much to irritate Alfred. "Sunflower…." He gives his lover a good side glance, and watches the way Alfred concentrates on sectioning out his hair evenly. "May I ask why are you choosing to braid right now?"

"Hmm." Alfred hums again, and moves his eyes- not his head, nor face -up to meet Ivan's lavender orbs. He grins, "The real question is why not?"

"Because I am working." Ivan pauses, then adds, "Dear."

Alfred snorts, and is tightly pulling on Ivan's hair to start his braiding. He slightly winces. "Well, so am I. My heart is pumping blood, i'm digesting food, my brain is processing, my muscles are contracting and un-contracting, i'm breathing, and talking! That's a lot of work to do, but yet, i'm still able to braid your hair. Be grateful!"

"Oh, trust me." Ivan is faking a sigh. "I am."

"Good shit. I'm glad. Without me, you would be lost bro."

"I know."

"You think you do, but you don't."

"I do-"

"Nopeee."

"Fredka. I _do_ know."

It's silent for a second. Then,

"Stopppppppp."

Alfred is whining, and moves his entire body forward, slumping it against Ivan's back. Warmth is radiating from Alfred's figure, and Ivan feels his lover nuzzle his head into the back of his neck. He would sigh in content and move to nuzzle Alfred back, but for some reason, he does neither.

"What's wronggg? You aren't your usual Ivan-y self." A hand comes forward and attempts to boop Ivan's nose, but misses and hits his cheek instead. He's amused. "Tell me what's going onnn."

Alfred feels like the sun, and the Russain's skin is taking up every bit of warmth and life he is giving off. Ivan chuckles, and sets down his project gently onto the the carpet. There is a moment of stillness, before suddenly, Ivan is turning quickly, and is grabbing Alfred's wrists before he falls over on the floor. He brings his lover up to his face and kisses his jaw lightly. He enjoys the little squee's Alfred makes as he moves his lip up his face, and he manuevers his arms around the american's figure.

"Well," he mutters between the little butterfly kisses, "Nobody is helping me with my project." He presses his lips with onto Alfred's own warm, soft, lips, then pulls back. "And i'm oh-so very lonely."

"Hmmmm, sounds very delicious…" Alfred licks his lips and leans forward to give Ivan a passionate kiss- only to boop his nose instead. Alfred takes a breath of air, before giving off a small amused laugh. "You just want me to do your project, huh? Cheater!"

"Yes." Ivan brushes his face against Alfred's and is breathing against his ear lovingly. He won't tell anyone, but his heart is pumping quicker than usual. "Why don't you help me? Join the dark side, love."

"But i'm a Jedi!" Alfred slightly protests.

"That does not matter when you have me." Ivan breathes against him.

His sunflower begins to ramble despite Ivan's actions. "There's a certain code I have to follow. Have you heard of it? It's called the Jedi code, kay?"

"Alfred-" Ivan pulls back. He's not sure he completely understand what the fuck the Jedi Code is, but he down't want to know.

"There is no ignorance, there is knowledge, remember? Cheating is not very knowledgeable-"

"Alfred."

"I mean, I would totally get kicked out of the Jedi club if they found out I was cheating-"

"Alfred."

"Then again, i'm not supposed to have a boyfriend while being a Jedi...Oh no."

"Alfred."

The American stops his rambling, and looks at Ivan an odd face. Ivan just stares back with a plain expression, before Alfred is suddenly bursting in laughter. He pushes Ivan's shoulder playfully, giggling much like Katushka would do when flirting with Alfred's elder brother. "Im playing, babe. Sure, i'll help-"

"Good." Ivan sighs.

"-after I finish braiding your hair."

Ivan's face crumples. "Ahhh."

"Shush." Alfred ushers him to turn around, and sneaks into Ivan's little sisters room to grab a rubber band. He comes back, and is braiding Ivan's hair in an instant. "I'm gonna make you look beautiful, doll." Alfred says with a drag queen sort of tone.

"Great." Ivan says sarcastically. He decides to resume his project, and grabs some super glue. He squirts a generous amount on a cut popsicle stick, and begins to build the front wall of the castle.

"Trust me, I know what i'm doing." Alfred tells him. Ivan chuckles slightly. "You're in good hands."

"I am, love. You should be a hair stylist. You can braid my hair all the way to the moon."

He feels Alfred pull a little harder than nessacary, and he knows that's his sunflower's way of teasing him. "You dumbass…" Alfred starts. "Obviously that won't work without my Papa's magical hair spray."

"Obviously." Ivan repeats. He adds more sticks to the front wall he's making. "You can't make your own?"

Sunflower is shaking his head. "Nope. His bottle is so sissy and gay that it burns my hand when I touch it. The power of the rainbow is too much for me."

"Aren't you gay too-?"

"But he's gayer." Alfred cheers behind him. He sounds so cute, and Ivan resists the urge to squeeze him to death. "He's as gay as gay porn. Gosh, Ivan, you are such a bad listener."

Ivan snorts, "Says you."

Alfred twists his body to Ivan's side and gives him a look."What are you implying?"

Ivan shakes his head with a grin, and looks at his project, avoiding eye contact with Alfred. "Nothing~"

"Hmph."

It gets silent. Ivan just works on his project while Alfred braids his hair, but soon, his lover begins to sing something ridiculous, and Ivan is confused.

" _Bill nye the science guy."_ Alfred hums quietly. Ivan doesn't think and just asks,

"What?"

"Bill Nye the Science Guy!" Alfred repeats, and ties the braid. Ivan was about to tell him to help him now that he was done, but Alfred goes and starts a new braid before he could even think of saying it. Ivan sighs, and his sunflower shifts his sitting position. "He's only the greatest dude to ever exist."

"Okay.." He picks up another stick and makes a measurement with the ruler he has. "I still do not know who he is."

"Ivan! You've watched him before with me!"Alfred insists. "Ya know, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill! Bill Nye the Science Guy!" Alfred sings, and makes some silly explosion noises with his mouth. "Boom! Science rules!"

"You are officially crazy." Ivan comments. Alfred groans behind him. He makes a bun with a part of Ivan's hair, and ties a band around it.

"No, you are officially crazy." Alfred argues. He stretches his body over to grab a pencil off the carpet, and for a mere moment, Ivan can feel the warmth of Alfred's body against his. "Everybody knows who Bill Nye the science guy is."

"Except me?"

"Except you." Alfred confirms. He sticks the pencil into Ivan's bun.

"You are crazy." Ivan looks over. "Can you help me now?"

"Fine." Alfred groans. He scoots next to the space beside Ivan and eyes his project. "What do ya want me to do?"

Ivan pecks Alfred's cheek, and hands him a sheet of paper with his measurements on them. "Here."

Alfred reads over the paper and Ivan hums. "Look at the 'back wall' section. I need you to cut the sticks according to the measurements."

"What?" Alfred makes a face. "I thought I was just gonna glue stuff! I didn't know there were numbers included!"

"I need correct measurements to make sure the building doesn't fall-"

"Ew."

"Fredka." Ivan sighs, and takes back the paper. Personally in his opinion, the paper wasn't that hard to understand. He thought Alfred was good at mathetimatics? "What do you want to do then?"

Alfred looks over the castle quietly, and picks up a stick. Ivan continues. "You can't make anything without looking at the paper for help-"

"Your castle needs a dragon." Alfred interrupts.

Ivan stops abruptly. "Huh?" He intelligently says.

"Your castle needs a dragon Ivan. It's all small and weak. It needs a castle to make it badass." He says again.

"This is a Russian castle." Ivan points out. "Not a medieval one. We do not need a dragon, sunflower."

"Bullshit." Alfred waves him off. He's already cutting pieces and Ivan is cringing. "Every castle needs a dragon."

Sometimes his sunflower can be cute, and loving, and other times his sunflower can be ignorant and annoying. Ivan can't decide which one he's being right now.

"Every castle also needs a queen, king, and people." Ivan takes Alfred's sticks gently. "But you don't see me making them."

Alfred grabs his pieces back. "Well duh. The dragon ate them, obviously." He glues a popsicle stick with another stick. Ivan takes one back again.

"Dear, we do not need a dragon."

"Babe." Alfred is attempting to glue a stick as best as he can with Ivan trying to take one. Alfred pulls back, and Ivan tries to grab it again."We need a dragon."

"Fredka."

"Vanya."

Ivan huffs. He is slightly irritated by Alfred's antics, and makes one last attempt to take his stick back. Alfred jumps back, and squeezes as much of super glue as he can onto Ivan's hand. The russian is surprised, and holds up his glue-covered hand while Alfred laughs.

"Revenge motherfucker-!"

Ivan stares at his hand, and frowns. He wishes Alfred would just listen to him. That's the thing though, Alfred never does. Not unless Ivan is sad or crying-

Oh.

"I win, I win, I win!" Alfred chants, and Ivan turns away. The american continues, until he realizes Ivan isn't reacting or tackling him onto the floor like he usually would be doing by now. Instead, Ivan's facing him, and he is oddly quiet. This throws ALfred off, and he frowns. "Babe?"

No response.

Alfred leans forward, and pokes Ivan's broad shoulder. "Ivan? Snowflake?"

Ivan doesn't reply, but Alfred can see that he's slightly shaking, and then, it dawns on him.

"Omigosh." Alfred covers his mouth, and gapes. "Babe, are you crying?"

No response as usual, so Alfred scoots around, and sees Ivan face wet with tears, and it confirms his question. He gasps, and raises his hand to touch Ivan's face

"Nononononono." He whines. "Ivan, i'm sorry, don't cry, please!"

Ivan looks down, sniffling away. Guilt tugs at Alfred's heart, and he panics slightly. "No, Ivannnn, I wasn't serious! I was playing, please don't be sad! I won't actually make a dragon!" He's only seen Ivan cry once or twice while they were together, and both they were never good. He hates himself for being so annoying and bold all the time. He's the one who made Ivan like this-!

"Look, i'll put everything back!" He pulls away, and puts the sticks back into the pile, and caps the glue. He neatly organizes everything, and turns back. Ivan still hasn't stopped crying. He makes a noise. "I-i'll clean your hand!"

Alfred pulls Ivan onto the couch, and runs off into the kitchen. He wets his own hoodie in the sink, and comes back, wiping the glue off of Ivan's hands. "I'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry I love you so much-!" He looks up worriedly….only to find Ivan amusingly staring down at him.

He gapes, and then he realizes something-

"You were joking?!" Alfred yells. "That's so low!"

Ivan is the one laughing now, and Alfred is lightly hitting his shoulder with both hands. "Fuck you!"

"It made you stop though, didn't it?" Ivan chuckles, and moves over, taking Alfred by the hand, pulling him forward. Alfred hits Ivan's chest, and he kisses his head. "I was just joking."

"Don't touch me!" Alfred spits, and pouts, looking away. "I felt so guilty!"

"I am sorry." Ivan cuddles him, and kisses Alfred's neck playfully. "I love you, you know."

"Yeah. Mhm." Alfred pretends to ignores him.

"Will you still help me?"

"Only if I get to actually make a dragon."

Ivan sighs. Not this again. "Da, alright. But make it nice."

"Fuck yeah!" Alfred is already moving off of the couch, and grabbing the sticks. "It's gonna be so kick ass!"

Ivan sighs. He's starting to regret asking Alfred to help him. "What did I ever do to get stuck with you?"

"Nice pun! Considering the glue and everything."

"Not intended that way."

"Oh-" Alfred looks over and crosses his arms. "Well i'll make it into one!"

Ivan watched as his lover grabbed the glue off of the floor, and uncapped it. Alfred squirted a bunch onto his hand, and then reached over to Ivan. Before the Russian could do anything, Alfred already had grabbed his hand, and was mushing them together. He could feel the liquid inside of their hands slowly harden and it wasn't before long when Ivan tried to pull away-

-Only to find out he couldn't.

"Sunflower, we are stuck." Ivan said,

"No shit, sherlock."

"Unglue us!"

Alfred shakes his head. "Nope!"

"Alfred!"

The American cleared his throat. "What did I ever do to get stuck with you?" He echoes with a russian accent, dramatically throwing his hand onto his forehead. Ivan wants to slap him.

"You stuck us together, that's how." Ivan replies, and attempts to yank to his hand from Alfred's, but it's no use.

"Shhhh." Alfred puts his free hand over Ivan's mouth. "Don't ruin the moment."

"What moment? You glued us together!"

"It's double revenge!"

Ivan sighs. "I'm breaking up with you."

"Just listen to my beautiful singing, and maybe that'll change your mind."

...

 _So in the end, the two were never able to part and both couldn't for in the doorway to the kitchen. Ivan died due to Alfred's annoying singing, and Alfred, who was in grief, died of hunger._

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 **All in favor of me never writing again say aye!**


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